The fishcakes had been left alone to their own devices for many years, at the deepest darkest sector of the Woolworth’s freezer isle. Through this time they had grown in size and power, and the six strongest rose to their feet and began to teach the other fishcakes the ways of the warrior, honor and the fishcake lord, Wedginald…
Not until a year later, when the fishcakes were a huge threat, did the jolly PM of Australia react.
“Oh Robert!” He called.
“Yes?” said Robert the small fat ugly Prime Minister helperouterer.
“Fetch me the six boldest warriors in the land and have them assemble before me at 7.26 and three quarters eastern standard time on the 27th of March this year.”
“Err, OK” Said Robert, looking at his pad and wondering how to spell ‘quarters’. After a month of vigorous trials and hard decisions (Channel 7, 7.30 weeknights) the six warriors were chosen. Aunty Oxidant - the obese aunt from Ballarat, Loci Brokili the cool and funky disco breaker, Fred the ugly entrepreneurial DJ, Max the short waddling circus freak, Stan the unbrave and his alterego James the bold, and finally Mudd Mulligan the billionaire creator of ‘Mickey Dugong: Secretish agent man’ TV show (Channel 7, 8.30 Saturday.) They assembled before the jolly PM at 7.26 and three corters Eastern Standard Time on March 27 that year because Robert didn’t know how to spell it properly.
“Greetings oh great bold warriors! I have you assembled before me to go yonder and fight the evil fishcakes to destroy the impending doom which awaits us! The fishcakes all serve the six fishcake lords - Agmort, Cruze, Wibble-snits, Mebumsnum, Charlie and Mr. Chunderbum. Our plan of attack is…” The jolly PM stopped talking to read the note Robert gave him. You’ve forgotten to put your pants on again. The jolly PM looked at his boxer shorts and sat down embarrassedly.
“Er, yes, our plan of attack is to send you in, each through a different isle. At the end of the isles is the freezer isle. From there you’ll journey boldly together two the shopping center level two until you arrive at the fishcakes sector where you will attack mightily with your Rubber Chickens and Cane Toad Launchers. In your bags you will also find Trolley Repellent, Spare Fingers, A Guide to Safe Shopping and A Trap for Catching Rabid Elephants. Robert, take the bold warriors to Woolworth’s!” Robert took the bold warriors to Woolworth’s. “Now, you must go boldly forth and defeat the evil fishcakes!” He cried.
“ But first may I have your autographs?” The warriors signed their names onto Robert’s Tissue Box and journeyed onward into the shop. They entered and went to the checkout desk.
“Biscuit? Offered MY NAME IS JIM, the sales clerk.
“Twenty Percent off” Aunty Oxidant reached out greedily but Mudd, who had seen a small piece of fishcake up JIM’S nose and knew he had been evilly twisted by the brain-churning influence of the fishcakes, flung the packet out of his hands screaming
“WE WILL NEVER FALL TO YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME YOU DERANGED BAD GUY!!!” JIM yelled in surprise and anger, before ducking under the desk and returning wielding a large machine gun. He opened fire as the bold warriors ran for cover, then cackled at the top of his voice-
“FLY MY PRETTIES!!!” The Trolleys to the right suddenly grew large mechanical wings and flew into the air, swooping down and attacking the warriors. Luckily they had their trolley spray to ward them off. When JIM ran out of ammunition Aunty Oxidant ran up to him, dodging trolleys and spraying repellent everywhere. With a fierce war cry she swung her arm forth and poked his nose. JIM screamed, his head fell of, and he crumbled into dust. She went back to spraying the trolleys. James the bold was the first to run out of trolley repellent. He ran forth, wielding his Rubber Chicken and entering into fierce battle with the trolleys. One by one the warriors ran out and entered into battle. Almost an hour later the battle was over, the floor strewn with fallen trolleys, blood, fingers and an eyeball belonging to Fred who put it in an empty freezerbag to have it put back in later. Looking at the scene while the other warriors put on their spare fingers, Aunty Oxidant fell to her knees and wept.
“I’m not worthy of being a Fishcake Warrior” She cried.
“The test of temptation came to me and I was so overcome with it that I foolishly accepted it and almost cost us our lives. I cannot show my face ever again. My name is mud!”
“That’s my name” said Mudd Mulligan.
Aunty Oxidant fell to her elbows and screamed,
“I AM NOT WORTHY!!!”
“Oh Shut Up” Said James. They walked forward, through the maze of dead trolleys to the six isles that they would separate into. Aunty Oxidant was to lurk through the confectionery isle, through the walls of temptation, Mudd Mulligan was to pass through the Toiletries isle, James went through the Cereal isle, Loci Brokili the cool and funky disco breaker was to journey yonder through the pet food isle, Fred was to go through the herbs and spices isle, and Max was to waddle through the flour, pasta and other stuff isle.
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